Dark Chao Adventures Episode 11: Doctor Phyllis' Most Evil Of All Evils Revenge:
Chapter 1: The Plot Begins... and It Smells, Too.
[our story begins in a space-time rip somewhere beyond Planet Of Pure Dooky...]
MP: I can't believe those cursed Poker freaks got away! (sigh) What to do? I need revenge! But how?
[Mephiles finds a computer drifting around, turns it on and goes on the internet]
MP: What's this? Hmm... DJay32 made a script called DC--HEY! You mean... we don't exist? Oh, what's this? Uh-huh... Chao Gardens... A-Life.... Krabby Patty... AH-HAH! I am pretty sure I know how to get my revenge! Heh-heh...
[meanwhile, in CPAK...]
Tails: Zim... I will let you come into my class one last time, but no world domination stuff, okay?
Zim: I promise, I will be nicer than before! (fingers crossed)
[meanwhile again, in the Dark Garden...]
Shade: Hey, DARK! Did you eat all the toothpaste again?
Dark: Well... not all of it... I sat on it once and it squirted into the red pool.
Shade: I needed that toothpaste so I could squirt it in Chao's ear!
Dark: What ear?
[Rouge enters the garden]
Shade: Rouge, I told you, we don't want the car insurance!
Rouge: No, it's worse-- Mephiles has returned!
Dark: I thought Dr. Phyllis was here to give therapy!
Rouge: How many times are you gonna use that joke, DJay?
Me: Can you think of a better pun?
Rouge: Good point.
Shade: Wait... 4th wall gone? Mephiles back? Dark Garden theme music coming from nowhere? Me speaking in baby noises? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WE'RE STUCK IN REALITY!
[can you imagine how the Heroes deal with this? Let's see...]
[the screen is black]
Chao: I can't see a single thing!
Speedy: You're not the only one.
Knuckle: Speedy, I hope you're holding two fluffy pillows that my hand just fell into.
Speedy: Those aren't pillows--
[Speedy and Knuckle scream]
Chao: Hang on... where are Hero and Tail? Wait, I hear someone!
[the screen fades in, you can see again, Knuckles walks in holding Tail, and Hero suddenly appeared somewhere random, Knuckles puts Tail down, the Hero Garden theme is playing]
Tail: Hey guys, guess what? The school has been renamed Chao Kindergarten! AND, there's only one classroom, the library and playground are gone, pictures appeared on the wall, and menus appeared everywhere! Plus, our Principal got a sex change.
Hero: Was it okay fohh him to say dat wohhd?
Chao: Yes, he used proper usage of it. Chao Heaven is saved!
(Chao News turns on) Anchorchao: Breaking News! Gardens are turning dark when Sonic/Tails/Knuckles/Shadow/Rouge/Eggman isn't in them and chao now have lifespans! Your average chao now lives for 4 chao years, one of which is 3-4 hours! (crew member talks) NO! This just in: We suddenly just got changed to the Dreamcast Version, one chao year is only 1 hour!
[Chao(plural) run around, shouting "4 hours to live!", back to the Dark Garden]
Shade: (sigh) I knew this day would come... the day I die of young age. I mean, I'm only 3! (gasp) Th-that means I only have 1 hour! Quick, somebody make a coffin and arrange a Ruler's funeral!
Dark: I'm on it, sir!
[Dark runs off]
Shadow(chao): Um... missus Rouge? Whehh ahh you going?
Rouge: To Dry Lagoon, there's a level select now, and Dry Lagoon has the best Spa Treatments! Ta-ta!
[Rouge leaves, and the screen goes dark, the theme stops playing, and some chao cry]
Dark: I don't want it to end this way... trapped in the dark...
Shade: No... as ruler of the Dark Garden, it is my duty to find a loophole here! Somebody get me Eggman or somebody, we're going to the computer store!
[later, at the CPU store...]
Chapter 2: Average Of the Lifespans: (AOL) 4 Hours and Counting, Shade's Till Death (STD): 1 Hour and Counting...
[Shade is looking for a laptop, then the Manager comes in]
M: Excuse me, sir? Are you the guidance to these chao?
EGG: Yes, I am. Why?
M: We have a discount over there in the Chao Section.
ALL: Chao Section!? There's a Chao Section!?
M: Um... yeah, we've had one for eightteen years.
[later, back at the Dark Garden, Shade is using the laptop, luckily with backlight]
Shade: Hmm... wikipedia.us; search: Chao. Huh? What's this? Yaddayadda.... AH-HAH! Fellow chao, I have found something useful!
Dark: I have bad news and good news. The Bad: We spent 2 hours there. The Good: Our clock is 1&1/2 hours slow!
Shade: (shudder) Only half-an-hour to live. But, then again, it is actually 59 minutes for me, and 3 hours and 59 for you guys!
ALL: It is?
Shade: Yep, according to this, "a Chao's life is not wasted unless the player" That's Eggman, "is inside the specified garden." See that? Eggman only actually spent 1 minute in the garden! All we need to do is find some good, bright lights and keep all players outside of the garden!
Dark: To the lightbulb store!
[1 hour later...]
Shade: That was one more minute in the garden... AOL: 3:58, STD: 58.
[Shade tries to plug them in, but can't find where to plug them in]
[1 hour later, after being in the socket-installer shop]
AOL: 3:57; STD: 57.
[1 hour later, after being in the flashlight store...]
AOL: 3:56; STD: 56.
[McDonald's...]
AOL: 3:55; STD: 55.
Shade: Okay, I'm pretty sure that's all of it. Anything left?
Dark: I gotta go potty.
[McDonald's bathroom...]
AOL: 3:54; STD: 54.
[Mephiles crashes into the Dark Garden, expecting them all to be dead]
MP: GUH... no way! How did you survive?!
Shade: We made sure that no playable characters were in the garden for 1 hour! Or 4.
MP: I see... explain this to me. (4 minutes later) Really? Oh, I forgot part of what you said... could you tell it to me in French? (10 minutes later) Oh, now I understand! But, just to memorize it... in Spanish? (10 more minutes) Okay, now I want to test your knowledge, how about in Japanese? (27 minutes later) I see now. Thanks! Oh, I forgot to tell you-- I am as of 6 hours ago a playable character.
Shade: Well, tough luck staying in here for an hour!
MP: I just did.
Shade: Holy sea cow!
[all the chao run around, screaming for 3 minutes]
MP: One minute left, bye-bye!
Shade: No... not me! Help! HELP! No! (sob)
[Shade gets trapped in a cuccoon]
Shade: NO! PLEASE, LORD, HELP ME NOW!
[Mephiles cries]
MP: How could my plan fail?! It was perfect!
[Shade opens his eyes and realizes what color the cuccoon is]
Shade: I have never been so happy about pink in my life.
[the cuccoon opens, and a new, baby Shade is there]
News: This Just In: The time limit seems to have worn off! We are living once again! And the same with the darkness! We are happy again!
[the darks turn the lights off]
Dark: Phew... thought we were goners. Hey, where's My Fillest?
[Mephiles is back in the Space-Time rip with the CPU, studying Chao life more]
MP: AH-HAH! I think I have found something flawless! Let's just see if it works... [click]
[back at the Dark Garden, Shade aged incredibly quickly, and is now his normal self, then, the next day in class...]
Tails: Class, due to what happened yesterday, I am starting to value the chao life more, so we shall now learn about--
Chapter 3: Okay, That's Just Evil!
Shade: I think I'm gonna barf.
Dark: Okay, how are we gonna do that if there's only one girl?
Shade: Yeah, and flowers don't exactly grow in Hell, y'know.
[tons of girl chao rush into the class, and the News appears out of nowhere]
N: Out of nowhere, just like this TV, the ground in the Dark Garden is spewing out flowers that grow when chao walk near them, and die when you walk away! It is Mating Season!
Shade: Curse you, Mister Phyllis, Mephiles! CURSE YOUUUUUU!!!!
MP: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Tails: Um, okay? Well, here's how it happens-- wait... hang on... Sonic Team didn't go into any detail about this bit. Plus, they didn't pay me to teach chao this. Okay, I'll just make it up, then. Uh... your feet are made of... roots. And when the roots touch the fertile mating soil, it... does something... magic. Then... if two chao enter the same magic flower bed, then, uh... they'll be struck with the groove, and dance. Then, finally, an egg will grow out of the soil mixed with the... roots. Yeah, let's go with that. (Thank goodness I wasn't teaching foxes--)
Dark: How do foxes mate?
Tails: (--never mind.) Um... you'll find out when you're older.
Dark: I'm a few seconds older now, can you tell us?
Tails: Wait until you're dead.
[back at the Dark Garden, all the chao are there because it has the most fertile soil]
[Shade and SShade are sitting on the island, sighing]
Shade: All those chao... playing. In my Dark Garden, too!
SShade: Yeah, and none of them even asked me! I mean, I have more experience than those floozies.
Shade: Experience?
SShade: Uh... yeah, experience. Kinda. Well, I've seen, up close how it happens and when. When my brother was born, anyway.
Shade: Really? Who's your brother?
SShade: He's called Shade Jr, named after you. (remember, I never specified who... brought... Shade Jr in, did I?)
Shade: I remember him, I used to babysit him back in Season 1!
SShade: You did? No wonder he was so much more sophisticated when he came back!
Shade: Well, now, I'm not that sophisticated. I mean, I had a very stupid brother.
SShade: Really?
Shade: Yep, Shade 2. Very mean. He came back, waaay back, in Episode 2.
SShade: That is very far! Say, uh... I was wondering for some time now...
Shade: If it's what I'm wondering, then me too.
SShade: You first.
Shade: Who are Dark's parents?
SShade: (depressed) ... oh? Um... yeah, that's... what I was wondering, ... too.
Shade: I was joking! Yep, I'd like to have a bab-- wait, isn't it the girl who says this?
SShade: Sorry! I'll say it, then: I'd love to have a baby!
Shade: Well, not love, but, I guess so.
[SShade steps into Shade's flower circle]
Shade: ................................. is that it? I mean, I thought that we were supposed to--
[they both suddenly start dancing, and Shade starts screaming]
Shade: AAAHHH!! AAH! Ah! Ah. Sorry, I just don't do dancing.
[the egg appears, then suddenly hatches, and they stop dancing]
[it's a little baby dark chao, already dark]
Shade: Awww.... he looks so cute! Hewwo widdwe baby, hi!
Baby: (cries)
Shade: Um, whoops. Sorry.
MP: CURSES! They are all enjoying this! Darn it! Okay, I found one last thing that can't fail!
[in the Hero Garden, Tail is enjoying himself, playing in the pool, when Mephiles appears next to him]
Tail: AHHHH! (pant) Oh, it's you, What is it?
[Mephiles grabs Tail, and kidnaps him, then laughs maniacally, and leaves]
Chapter 4: River And City And Ransom:
[Chao and the others get back]
Speedy: Okay, Tail, what'd you do to the river?
Knuckle: And the... bridge?
Hero: And Tail?
Chao: Yeah, and yourself! Tail? Where are yo-- I am so dumb.
[Chao rushes into the Dark Garden, angry]
Chao: Outta my way! I want Shade!
Shade: Yes, what is it?
Chao: What did you do with Tail!?
Shade: I didn't do anything to Mr. Prower, he should be in the school!
Chao: Not Tails, TAIL! Singular!
GIR: (out of nowhere) Raising the bar?
Chao: NO! T-A-I-L! Where is he?!?!?!?!?!?!
Shade: Cool down, I'll come with you and see if I can find anything.
Dark: Can I come, too?
Chao: No.
Shade: The more the merrier!
[back at the Hero Garden, Shade finds a letter, and reads it aloud]
Shade: Dear Foolish Chao and Foolish Friends,
                  I have kidnapped your foolish friend, Chao. If you ever want to see him again, come to the Space-Time rip beyond Planet Of Pure Dooky, and bring 80 million dollars four boxes of lugnuts an extra pair of underwear snacks. Yes, bring snacks! You'll need them, plus I'm hungry.

                                                                                              From your friend demon pal,

                                                                                                                Mephiles
Chao: Junk mail!
Shade: Oh, come on! Didn't you hear the part about kidnapping your friend-- huh? "Foolish friend, Chao." Um... typo?
Me: (narrator) Will they ever see Tail again? What is Mephiles doing? Find out next time in the next episode of Dark Chao Adventures!